From Where You Are (Round 14, Winter 2011/2012)

Winter 2011/2012: Audrey Sutton is 22 (Emma Sutton is 22, Sunny Sutton is 53)

Soundtrack: “From Where You Are” – Lifehouse

Audrey tried. Despite what anyone else thinks, she did try.

When she first arrived at Oaktowne Place Treatment Center in Arcadia after being sent straight there from the hospital, she tried to make the best of the situation. She tried to get to know the other patients there. Even though she hates mahjong, she accepted that first invitation to join them.

But she’s not like them. First of all, she doesn’t even belong here. She’s not an addict. Things just got a little out of hand. She got careless, forgot just how many pills she had already taken that day. It’s not the huge crisis that everyone is making it out to be.

She is not like them. They need serious help. She just needs to be left alone for a long time.

But the thing she’s discovered about Oaktowne Place is that no one ever leaves you alone, not for very long. Especially not him. When he sits down at the mahjong table uninvited, Audrey pushes her chair back, stands, and walks out of the room without a word.

For the first couple of months, she spent a lot of time in her room. It’s tiny, smaller than the room she had back at the dorm, but she doesn’t mind. Audrey is used to tight spaces–she and Emma and Darcy all used to share one bedroom together. With three beds squeezed in, there wasn’t much room to move.

She still spends a lot of time in her room, but maybe not as much as before. But it’s quiet here–just the gurgle of the fish tank in the corner filling the silence. Audrey has never had fish before, but she likes to watch them swim around their little castle and between the plastic plants. She thinks about how the fish depend on her. Ms. Toyonaga explained to Audrey when she first came that each patient has a fish tank in their room that they’re responsible for. If Audrey doesn’t feed the fish or clean the tank regularly, they’ll die. Audrey kind of likes knowing she’s needed, even if only in lives of these tiny fish.

“Why don’t you think you belong here?” Ms. Toyonaga asks this question a lot during the therapy sessions. One on one therapy is mandatory, group therapy isn’t but it is highly encouraged. Audrey has never taken part in group therapy, even after six months here.

“These people are addicts,” Audrey says.

“And you’re not?”

“No! It was just a mistake. I’m not addicted to anything.”

“Maybe not yet,” Ms. Toyonaga says, “but maybe you were headed in that direction.”

“So I should be forced to stay here because of something that may or may not happen?” Audrey asks.

“You can leave any time you want,” Ms. Toyonaga says. “You’re a legal adult.”

But she can’t, and she knows Ms. Toyonaga knows this. Audrey has no car, no money for a taxi, and nowhere else to go. Her mom and Emma would insist she go back if she left.

“Sometimes we don’t recognize our own addictions within ourselves,” Ms. Toyonaga says. “Sometimes we can only see them by observing other people.”

Audrey rolls her eyes. “I’ve observed the freaks you have here and trust me, I’m not like them.”

“What makes them freaks?”

“I caught Makoto and Sandy arguing about whether or not people have ever been to the moon,” Audrey says.

“There’s nothing wrong with a lively debate,” Ms. Toyonaga says.

“There is when one person insists that NASA is hiding evidence of giant spaghetti monsters living in the moon craters,” Audrey tells her. “I mean, I’m not denying the existence of other lifeforms, but seriously?”

Ms. Toyonaga smiles. “Well, Makoto can have a vivid imagination. But you should get to know him. He’s led a pretty fascinating life. Sandy, too, has had her own share of adventures. You learn these things when you get to know people.”

“I don’t want to get to know them. Especially that one perv. Sinjin.”

“What’s wrong with Sinjin?”

Audrey flails her arms around dramatically. “He’s always looking at me. Staring. I don’t know what his problem is, but I’m not interested. He’s old.”

“He’s only thirty-two,” Ms. Toyonaga says.

“Old,” Audrey repeats. “No offense. Besides he’s obviously married, he’s wearing a wedding ring. I wonder what his wife would think if she knew he was spending his time at rehab staring at twenty-two year old girls?”

Ms. Toyonaga presses her lips together for a moment. Then she says, “I don’t think you should make quick judgments about the people you meet here. Get to know them. They might surprise you.”

###

Oaktowne Place is small and there isn’t enough funding for an on-site gym, so Audrey makes do with yoga each morning. She breathes deeply as she balances herself in the tree pose, letting all thoughts wash away.

This is one of the reasons she doesn’t belong her. She’s strong. If she was so messed up with drugs and alcohol, wouldn’t her body show weakness? How can her muscles still be this strong, her body still this balanced, if her mind is so addicted?

“Impressive,” Sinjin Couderc says.

She should have known she wouldn’t find peace very long. She never does.

She eases herself out of position and turns to face him. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here?” Sinjin says.

“Unfortunately,” she agrees.

“I’m not the bad guy you think I am,” he tells her.

Audrey steps back, holding up her hands as a barrier between them. “Listen, I’m not interested in hooking up with some guy I met in rehab. I’m not that pathetic and starving for affection.”

Sinjin laughs. “You’re not the heartbreaker you think you are, little girl.”

Little girl? Did he just call her little girl?

“You know, you’d make things a lot easier on yourself if you just accept the fact that you’re here and you need help and friends who know what you’re going through. Trust me.”

Audrey rolls her eyes. “Thanks for the advice, but I think I’m doing fine on my own. I have friends, I don’t need anymore.”

She pushes him aside as she stomps back into the brick building and upstairs to her room.

###

Ms. Toyonaga insists that one on one therapy with family members will help. The only family member Audrey will allow into the therapy sessions is Emma.

“I–I don’t know what I’m supposed to say,” Emma says.

“Just say what’s on your mind,” Ms. Toyonaga prompts.

“Say some emotional crap and she’ll let us out of here faster,” Audrey tells her.

“I guess what I want to say most is,” Emma begins, taking a deep breath, “that you scared the hell out of me that day I found you, Audrey. And I haven’t stopped being scared. Every day I’m scared and angry and I just want to know how you could do that to me.”

“I didn’t do anything to you,” Audrey says. “Do you honestly think I overdosed on purpose?”

When Emma doesn’t answer, Audrey gets mad. “I didn’t. I forgot how many pills I’d already taken. Why does everyone assume I’m some depressed psychotic who wants to choke down a bunch of pills and kill herself?”

“There’s nothing wrong with needing help,” Emma says quietly.

“I don’t need help!” Audrey shouts. “I don’t belong here!”

“Emma,” Ms. Toyonaga says, “I want to give you an assignment.”

“Therapy homework?” Audrey grumbles.

“I want you to write down exactly what you went through the day Audrey overdosed. Write down everything you thought about, everything you said. Then write down everything you were afraid would happen and everything you’ve always wanted to say to Audrey, but never have. If Audrey were gone tomorrow, how would life be different for you?”

“I already know the answer to that,” Emma says. “I would be missing half of myself. I thought you were going to die that day, Audrey, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on living without you. We’re twins. We’re supposed to be together.”

Audrey blinks quickly, then looks away. “I didn’t try to kill myself,” she whispers. “It was an accident.”

###

There’s a swingset outside in the backyard. It’s strange that it’s here because all of the residents are adults and as far as Audrey knows, have always been adults. But actually, Oaktowne Place used to be a family home before it was turned into a rehab and the swingset is leftover from a family that lived here long ago. It’s rusty and creaks a lot, but Audrey sits down on the swing and leans back.

It reminds her of when she was a kid. Her dad used to take her and Emma to the park to swing. He would push her higher and higher while she laughed.

She pumps her legs harder, making the rickety old swing go higher, trying to recapture her childhood–before she found her dad lying dead on the kitchen floor, before everything went wrong.

“I don’t know why you didn’t study music outside of school,” Sunny says. “You’ve always been very good at the piano.”

Audrey stops suddenly, startled by her mother’s presence. It’s Christmas Eve and really, Audrey didn’t expect anyone to come visit her over the holiday. Who would want to spend their Christmas at rehab?

“What are you doing here?” Audrey asks.

“I wanted to see you.” Sunny tries to smile. “How are you?”

Audrey shrugs. She wonders exactly when things got so messed up between her and her mother. All she can remember from being a teen is her mom yelling at her–for throwing parties without permission, for staying out all night, for coming home drunk, for getting a tattoo. When did they stop talking?

“Anna wants me to bring her to see you tomorrow,” Sunny says.

Audrey shakes her head. “I don’t want her coming here.”

“It’s Christmas,” Sunny says.

“I know, and I don’t want her spending Christmas here.”

They’re silent for a moment, then Sunny says, “She misses you. We all miss you.”

Audrey can’t choke back the sob that bubbles up. “Let me come home, Momma,” she says.

Sunny tilts her head to the side, studying Audrey for a moment. Then she says, “I can’t. You need to be here right now.”

Audrey wipes away the tears that start to fall down her cheeks.

It hurts Sunny more than Audrey realizes, more than Sunny lets her see. She pulls her daughter into a tight hug and whispers, “I love you. And I want you to get better and come home, but not until you’re ready.”

“I’m ready now,” Audrey says.

Sunny rubs her back. “Not yet. But you will be.”

###

It’s after midnight and Audrey is still wide awake. She doesn’t have to look to know who is coming down the stairs.

“Santa Claus doesn’t come if you don’t go to sleep,” Sinjin tells her.

“Santa Claus doesn’t bring the kind of gift I need,” Audrey says.

She stands as he walks over to her. He smirks as he studies her. “In case you were wondering, no, I didn’t come down here to stalk you. I have indigestion and I was on my way to the kitchen to get some milk.”

“Okay,” she says. “Whatever.”

“You don’t have to be so tough,” he says. “We’re all here for the same reasons. We all have weaknesses. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. And we’re not your enemies.”

She feels properly scolded, and maybe she has been a brat ever since she arrived here. Any other time, his standing here, telling her these things, would annoy her even more. But right now, everything is quiet and she’s tired of fighting.

“I think we got off to the wrong start,” she says. “Hi. I’m Audrey and I’m addicted to drugs and alcohol. I overdosed and almost died one morning.”

“I’m Sinjin,” he says.

She waits a moment, but he doesn’t say anything else. “That’s all?” she asks.

He smiles. “That’s all for now. It’s a start.”

———————————————————-

I’ve decided that I’ll do a few mini-updates on Audrey throughout the round because her story is going to take more time to unfold. If I waited until next round to look in at her again, two years would have passed and it’s likely that she could have been out of rehab by then. So we’ll get a few more updates on her every now and then between the other houses.

Ms. Toyonaga is Christy Toyonaga, whom Eric Lloyd used to date. After she and Eric ended things, she moved to Arcadia and helped found Oaktowne Place.